Welcome back! It’s time for Part 18 in our FinerMinds series on Becoming Just Awesome. We’re almost there – only one more post to go! This week we’re going to focus on not taking things personally. Easier said than done, of course. Far too often people let their emotional well-being be dictated by the words and actions of others. It’s time for everyone to follow their own true path and stop chasing after the compliments and expectations of others.
Taking other people’s judgments personally undermines your self-worth.
In Don Miguel Ruiz’s inspirational book, The Four Agreements, he discusses this human flaw of taking things personally. According to Ruiz, nothing other people say or do is because of you. Rather, it has everything to do with their own reality. It says much more about them than about you.
Let’s say you have a co-worker who constantly puts you down. Maybe he or she does it subtly, but they nonetheless seek out ways to undermine your confidence. They roll their eyes when you speak up in a meeting. They make fun of what you’re wearing. And if you confront them about their behavior, they chastise you for not being able to take a ‘joke’. Hopefully, this isn’t your experience, but I think you know what I’m talking about.
You need to take a step back and think about why this person is acting this way. As a general rule happy, confident individuals don’t behave like this. Not at all. People who exhibit this type of predatory, cruel behavior are actually miserable, lack confidence and essentially project their negativity onto others.
Chances are you’re the target because this person knows that their continuous little digs get to you. It gives them power and makes them feel better (temporarily). As soon as their comments and actions have absolutely no impact on you, they’ll stop. Guaranteed.
In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
Don Miguel Ruiz also describes taking things personally as the “ultimate act of selfishness.” Huh? Well, when you take things personally, you assume everything is about YOU. It’s not. Again, what people say has so much more to do with them than it does about you.
Dr. Wayne Dyer also weighs in on the idea of taking things personally in his book The Power of Intention. Dyer says that when you allow the opinions of others to be more important than your opinions of yourself, you lose self-respect. Why would you put your opinions of yourself below those of another person? Rather, you deserve to believe you’re valuable and worthy.
A few more kernels of knowledge on the subject:
1. Compliments are just gravy
Compliments are lovely aren’t they? But here’s the thing: If you’re hooked by the compliments, you’re hooked by the criticism. You need to get to a place where both credit and criticism can’t touch you. Compliments can’t be the source of your strength, because what if they dry up, what then? They’re just gravy – extra dressing, but no real substance.
2. Stop colluding
Let’s say you perceive a situation as negative. For example, a friend chose to spend the evening with someone else instead of you or you received a curt e-mail from your boss. You’re hurt. What do you do? One reaction that is temporarily soothing is to call someone, unload your hurt and anger, and get them hooked into your story. This is a big energy investment and utterly not worth it. Inviting others to collude in your story only perpetuates the pattern of taking things much too personally. Collusion is rounding up individuals who believe your own illusion. Not good!
3. Always keep the larger goal in mind
Who you become on your life journey is far more meaningful than what happens to you. When you learn how to get beyond taking things personally by observing and then choosing an alternate response, you will eventually become unshakable. You can lose your job; you can be broke; you can be forced to leave your home. But no one can take away who you are – your essence. As you become a person who is clear and centered, you will have the tools to succeed in life no matter what happens in the external world.
Exercises
Here are two exercises that I had the privilege of being introduced to at T. Harv Eker’s Enlightened Warrior Training Camp. These exercises are designed to help you move past taking things personally. To get the most out of these exercises you must put all your energy into them. Go beyond understanding them on an intellectual level, really feel the intention behind them.
To do these exercises, find a friend or a partner to help you out. In the first exercise you’re going to insert the name of someone who has hurt you in the past. Now say the phrase out loud and do it with as much intention as possible. Repeat it as many times as is needed until you feel the hurt dissipating.
For the second exercise, you’re going to insert your own name. Say this phrase over and over with positive intensity (not anger) to the person who is helping you with this exercise. Look them right in the eye and say it. If you’re not comfortable using the word ‘f*#k’, insert a word that has a lot of energy for you. (Harv was big on having us use this word because it can be rather liberating.) Also make sure you use the word ‘and’ (don’t use ‘but’), because you both love them and you don’t care what they think about you. Keep repeating this phrase until you feel a surge of personal power.
Exercise 1
__________, I now understand that what you did and said had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. You were projecting your own mental baggage and bad programming onto me. I unknowingly let in your poison. I now choose to let that poison go and fully release myself from this hurt.
Exercise 2
Hi, my name is __________. I love and respect you, and I don’t give a f*@k about what you think about me. Have a nice day!
How did you feel after doing these exercises?
Laughed out loud, especially at Exercise 2.
A light hearted appraoc, and laughter is great
"medicine" for what ails us.
A really great article, and everyone needs
a little reminder now and again. Thank you
for this one.
Great little article! I used to care a lot what people thought when I was younger. I have since realised how much personal power I was giving away.
Thanks
Wendy
The second one actually made me laugh and now I keep smiling. Funny, but I feel better. Thanks
"It's none of my business what you think of me"
Great exercises really good but the problem is we are most hurt when someone really close to you do something wrong to you either your brother, wife or may be a parent you cant use the second exercise on them can you?
good,it is really worth a try,something new and quite soothing to the mind
Thank you, a great re-minder! I always find it helpful to remember not to lose touch with some of the "basics" in my personal approach to lifes' realities, and in my relationship with myself and others.
This ought to be "common sense", but all too often we lose sight of these simple insights and principles, when we engage in the applicateion of sophisticated and more complicated self development techniques.
Very down-to-earth: thanks again.
Thomas L.
Thank you... just what I needed and at the perfect time... wonderful words of wisdom... and fun to exercise... loved it!
Great, I respect you and I go my way
Really great excercise. A lot of forgiveness and understanding there. About No.2, "damn" is a much more comfortable word for me to use.
I am currently letting go of a lot of other peoples oponions, its the only way to make space for new people, to have fresh experiences, and to break free of what is holding onto you. We must not allow our life be what other peoples fears want it to be.
Alan.
exercise 2 - laughing out loud without a doubt, excellent and it really does help, instantly! great!
Thanks for reminding me ...
I used this technique while traveling through the first few years of recovery from Alcohol. It really does work.
A great article and very true thanks for the reminder
I have had many people place their anger on me. I was not sure how to handle it. SOMETIMES IT GOT TO ME. BUT I am sure these techniques will help. they will certainly make us feel better Rose
Great article, the only issue is if you are stuck in the middle of colluding and compliment seeking this article doesn't help you get out of that situation.
Mobeen,
I actually did you it on some family members. It really helped a lot. I also used it on MYSELF because I find that I put myself down alot also. It's that bad ego we all have!
Tina
Simple yet powerful in any situation you are in.
That's really awesome, especially exercise 2. Thanks a lot!
I find this VERY HELPFUL FOR FREEING MYSELF from both the joy and the tremendous pain caused by what my children think of me with their compliments and criticism.
Great timing, some very negative projections have been forced upon me at work recently. Incredibly, they really wanted to eat at me. I had found it so challanging with so many other things that seemed to be falling apart around me. These exercises were light and EASY! That's it, all gone! It really does come back to simpicity. Thank you.
The timing for this wonderful article is perfect for me. Thank you!!! Thank you!!!
And a thousand thanks to Harv Eker for these short yet amazingly effective exercises. I loved The Four Agreements but I often forget. I plan to make cards of Harv's exercises and carry them with me for frequent reference until the words are permanently etched in my mind and part of my consciousness.
Just in time as I was going to fall into the old pattern of losing self-respect again. Thank you for reminding me. Only the wording in exercise 2 was a bit strong - made amendments... achieve same positive intensity!
Thanks again
A good one. Even guffawed out loud. Will definately pass on. regards
Thank you I really needed this lesson. Not sure if I am ready to use the word......
THESE EXERCISES ARE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO FOLLOW. HAVING HAD COURSES IN PSYCHOLOGY AND READ THE BOOK 'THE CELESTINE PROPHESY', I WAS MADE AWARE OF THIS SAME PROBLEM. YOUR SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE EXERCISES REALLY HAD A MORE LASTING IMPACT ON MY DEMINURE THAN THE PREVIOUS. I SOMETIMES JUST SEND IT BACK TO THE SENDER !!!! THANK YOU FOR MY INCREASED POWER AND SELF CONFIDENCE.
Ruiz's works are some of the most life changing books I have ever had the pleasure of reading.The 'not taking anything personally' bit was the hardest part to start to grasp for me but I am finally getting it.How enlightening....and freeing.
Wonderful ,cathartic exercise, well done! Instead of inserting an individual's name, I addressed the world and felt a load shift of my shoulders. Love and Light to all, Liz.
Five ******
I love it!
I am always reminded not to take people and the things they do personally, as my mentor of 20 yrs [ Don Juan ] said, "A warrior learns to drop self-importance," it's a prerequisite to personal freedom. and I also love T.K. Eker's Exercises; in that they help bring humor and a loss of prudery to this process!
Love-Light, Nova Cynthia
Coaching From The Heart Chakra
I enjoyed reading the article. What goes on in the world...is nothing more that what is in the hearts of men(people).All these things that transpire...are lessons on how to be. All emotions are waves, that we must learn to surf, not serve. The secrets out...how much of whats out there is used/made to detract us from true source thinking(if I can say). We all must travel this road...some are in for the long trip, others get off way before the last stop. In all...destroy the ego, is what its all about, to no longer be individualistic, rather live for the whole, or the one(inferring the world,all of us).No one is,was better than any other.What's coming is super wicked, but it will certify, that not a one will embark in any form of erronous thoughts/action ever again, it is so beautiful(the end result of course)
We are in, for a very rude awakening. all, that are for the whole will still be around, all those that are not...will no longer be around. It is my opinion of course. I believe we all are responsible for our thinking, from this, we always experience that, that is our due. To learn of course,in the end...its all our egos.
So, this article...small little blurb, but the stepping stones to a moral,integral,honest, and caring society( I'm hoping ).
Anyway, thank you very much for the opportunity to rant and rave.
Health to all!!!
At lunch time I was feeling down because of a small tiff I had with a co-worker that I used to be friends and go to lunch with. We haven't talked for over a month now. I was feeling bad about what her views were of me...and who else she was in alliance with (if she was talking about me to others)...this article just lifted all of that gunky muck off my back! Thanks!! I did exercise #2 here at my desk...ever so quietly in my mind...and it still worked for me. I'm going to print this article out and every time I feel bad - or start to get that 'woe is me' feeling, I'm gonna read this article.
another exercise that i use is the "this is me ...that is not me!" I repeat the process first holding a written or graphic reminder of the person place or thing causing the distress. I repeat over and over with successively closer things to my heart in my fingers until at the end I hold my clothes,car,or even my own flesh. The real me in a forever thing that out lasts the dig,the pain,or even the joy! The net result of unhooking my self from the problems; is to free me to really experience the moment. Truly that is all I have, the future is guaranteed to no one, the past is never to be crossed again except in memory, no now is all I have!
i was very interested in your program but the use of that language in any situation is mind bugling and that you would go in that direction with the kind of program you are putting out.
no thanks
Awesome! I felt an instant release. I am going to put these words of wisdom into practise in my daily life. Thank You so much!
That made my day!
Great exercise! I'm writing those words on my fridge door so I can read them each day. I might have to use them for more than just one person. Would recommend a good book about this subject? Thank you!!
A girl from school once said to me (after i helped her with the copy machine):" Do you think you´re some kind of a hero".
I asked her what her problem was to which she responded: "You're my problem" . I didnt say anything back to her but later i realized I could have said: well that's your problem not mine and I can't help you with that:)
But I think if a work colleague criticizes your work performance for example,then instead of immediately thinking "oh, he's/she 's criticising me", focus on what it is the person wants(because it's allways about their need for something),if their beeing vague, then ask them to be more specific about the problem and how you can help. But if you can't help then let them know.And don't let it become a one way dialogue(where you become a victim). For me it helps to think like this:The ego is your inner child who is always vulnerable and gets hurt. Leave your child at home when you go to work and when you have discussions with grown-ups:)