How much time do you spend with your partner? Really think about it. (Please note: the time you spend side-by-side spaced out on the couch watching TV doesn’t count.) I’m talking about quality one-on-one time spent talking to each other, being affectionate and enjoying recreational activities. Time where you and your partner are actively engaged in fulfilling each other’s emotional needs.

For most married couples, it’s probably just a few hours a week, if that. Now go back in time to when you and your significant other were first dating. Chances are you spent about 15 hours a week basking in each others’ undivided attention, and it felt fantastic!

What happened? It’s a matter of priorities. Your relationship—nurturing the bond that you and your partner share—slipped a bit (or maybe a lot). For many, work, finances and kids moved to the top of the list. The problem is that when you neglect your relationship, you drift apart. This drifting leaves room for negative feelings and emotions to creep in: loneliness, resentment, apathy, anger, even falling out of love.

Acclaimed clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley, Jr. talks about the ‘promise of time’. He emphasizes this concept with couples about to enter into marriage, but it’s relevant for all couples, no matter how long you’ve been together. It’s basically the promise of spending time together each week giving one another quality, undivided attention.

In his clinical practice, Dr. Harley’s first assignment for many couples trying to rebuild their relationship is the exercise of giving each other 15 hours of undivided attention for one week. Fifteen hours! He’s had many couples try to convince him that this just isn’t possible, mostly because it seems totally impractical. But, in the end, couples usually agree that without time they’re never going to re-create the love they once had for each other.

To really make time for one another, Dr. Harley advises that couples follow The Policy of Undivided Attention.

There are THREE PARTS to The Policy of Undivided Attention:

1. Privacy. The time you spend in each other’s company should not include children, relatives or friends. Privacy is paramount because it allows you to give each other, and your relationship, your full, undivided attention. This might be difficult, but it’s necessary. The presence of others (and especially children), while wonderful, interferes with affection and intimate conversation.
2. Objectives. During the time you are together, try to meet the emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship. This isn’t an easy task. Obviously, each person is different, but evidence shows that romance for husbands tends to be sex and recreation, whereas for the majority of wives, they find affection and intimate conversation romantic.Dr. Harley’s advice is to try to do all of these things when spending time together. This is a tall order, so it’s important to talk openly with your partner about one another’s emotional needs. Confusion often arises when one person assumes their needs are the same as their partner’s. This can lead to frustration, anger and feeling misunderstood. Only through open dialogue can you learn about your partner’s needs and how to fulfill them and vice versa.
3. Amount. The number of hours spent together should reflect the quality of your marriage. If your marriage is satisfying to both of you, 15 hours of undivided time together is probably enough. If your marriage is less than satisfying should you spend more or less time together? The answer is you should spend even more time together.

Even Dr. Harley admits that it is difficult to motivate unhappy couples to spend more than 15 hours together (or even one hour together!). Mostly because these are couples that are no longer in love, and the relationship doesn’t do anything for them. This being said, he has found that if both parties are committed to the relationship, and put in the time to fulfill one another’s emotional needs for a while, they actually end up wanting to spend 15 hours or more together each week. They end up back in love.