I’ve trained hundreds of thousands of individuals and couples around the world about communication, self-development and how to create satisfying & fun relationships. And I’ve had my own unique personal relationship experiences – some fun, wonderful, some broken and difficult, but each incredibly eye-opening, enlightening, and rewarding as I continued to grow as a person and as a mate. I learned from some of the great masters of Tantra and I also had great mentors and teachers who taught me about love, intimacy, spirit, connection, giving and receiving.
Here you can download an exclusive interview with Marcia Martin on how to manifest your ideal, spiritual and passionate relationship »
Marcia Martin has been a teacher, coach, and trainer in personal growth for over 30 years.
She was one of the original pioneers of the Human Potential Movement and a Founding Member of the Transformational Leadership Council, an association of renowned transformational thought leaders founded by Jack Canfield.
Marcia has committed her life to helping people be more aware of what it means to be human, and better equipped to making a difference in the world.
I started finding out about how to have great relationships and sex when I was in elementary school. Not that I had sex then, but I found out how boys and men thought, and how they operated, and what they wanted, how they interpreted their surroundings, and what they liked (which all later led to some really great relationships and some really great sex), but then that’s another story!
What I really want to talk about is this:
Men And Women Are Not Made The Same
When communication and expectations are based on the assumption that men and women are the same – that they have the same mind-sets, values and interpretations – then we end up down the road of frustration and anger and upset. And our relationships fall apart.
Men and women are not the same. And when we start to understand the beauty and the humor in the differences between men and women, a whole new world of possibility opens up in how we relate to each other, how we create our relationships, how we
experience sex, and how love and fulfillment can grow even deeper through time.
So here are some ‘Basics’ – like “Relationships 101”.
First you have to understand the Nature of Men and Women », and some of their Innate Qualities...
The Nature Of Men And Women
Women are the attractors and men are the responders. Women “call”; men “respond”. That’s their ‘nature’. Her nature is to create things by being attracting. His nature is to create things by producing.
Women – The Attractors
The essence of a woman is what is attractive. It is the ability of a woman to attract – seduction in the best sense of the word – that allows others and opportunities to be drawn to her. A woman needs to learn to get in touch with her nature of attraction, and when she does, she will be able to have anything and anyone she wants.
Being competent to connect with that essence, allows resources and people to be drawn to her. She is the seductress; she is the goddess. She births and creates and brings things into existence.
Men – The Producers
The nature of the man is to be a performer, a provider, and a producer. His nature is to bring it home, get it done, make sure it happens, fix it, find it, deliver it, solve it, and produce it. Men want to please their women. A man is a responder to a call, not usually a caller himself.
A man has an antenna and listens for what is being wanted, what is being asked of him, where he can perform, where he can provide and responds to that call. Men are providers. Men are performers.
The catch here, of course is that women don’t usually know what they want, and they keep changing their minds; so sometimes it is very difficult for a guy to please her. And then she usually blames him for not knowing, as she expects him to be able to read her mind.
The Innate Qualities Of Men And Women
Now it is time to discuss the innate qualities of men and women. Men are a little slow, simple (not complicated), and are the ones that can be bigoted. Women are fast and inclusive, but they can also be mean, petty and ‘bitchy’.
The Female and Male Nature
A woman by nature is multi-faceted and is able to multi-task – do more than one thing at a time. She can move from one side of the brain to the other with ease and speed. She thinks, she feels, she acts and she uses her intuition quickly and with variety and subtlety and all at the same time.
A man takes longer to move from left-brain to right brain and back again. This is important to understand as each side of the brain allows action in different realms. One side of the brain is needed to do analyzing and detail work; and the other side of the brain is needed to do “conceptual tasks” like feeling and being empathetic.
A woman goes back and forth between these different worlds very quickly; a man needs time to jump from one to the other. When a woman assumes a man can do it the way she is able to do it; then she will be impatient with him, because he is slower than she is, and she may even interpret his actions as resistance or non-caring.
What Men And Women Need To Learn
Women overuse ‘bitchiness’. Being a bitch is an ‘asset’ that women have; but they should use the asset sparingly, or not at all. A man should know that it is possible for a woman to get bitchy, but not have to experience that unless it is absolutely necessary.
Men move when they are ‘winning’. They are paralyzed when they are ‘losing’. Anytime a woman is unhappy a man feels he is losing, and then he can’t move. Being a ‘bitch’ is exactly the opposite thing to do if a woman wants a man to get something done.
A man feels he is ‘losing’ when his woman is unhappy. If she wants him to do things for her, she needs to be nice and fun, she needs to tell him often what he is doing right, and what she loves about him. This will allow him to move. Women need to learn how to be nice and fun more of the time, instead of mean and petty.
Understanding The Underlying Fears That Motivate Men And Women
Now that you understand the nature and innate behaviors of men and women >>, and what some of the differences are, you will now be able to understand the underlying fears that motivate men and women. These fears drive their actions; and when you understand the fears you can start to alleviate them for each other.
A Woman’s Fear: Attraction
A woman’s fear is that she is not attractive enough. A woman is afraid that something else (or someone else) will be able to attract her man more than she can. That is why a woman gets upset if a man spends too much time at work (or if he glances at another woman).
It’s not that she wants him to be around more - even though that may be what she says. I mean let’s face it - a woman can get more done when a man is out of the house! It’s that she thinks, at some deep unconscious level, that he is more attracted by work (or the other woman) than he is by her, and it is upsetting to her.
If the man would call from work, and tell her how much he is thinking about her, and that he can’t wait to get home, then her complaining would stop, as she would feel that he is attracted first to her, above all else. Once a man understands this, he will be able to alleviate this fear in her.
A Man’s Fear: Failure
A man’s fear is that he won’t succeed. In fact the reason a man takes a bit of time to start any project, is that he has a deep seeded unconscious fear that he won’t be able to deliver. A woman needs to tell her man that she believes in him. She needs to understand he has a fear that he might not succeed, and to let him know she believes he can, and that he will. When a man knows his woman believes he can do it, he can do anything.
However a woman usually gets impatient that it takes a man so long to start, that she just goes and does it herself. She is taking away his job of being the producer. She is taking away his longing to be able to please her.
Don’t do it for him – give him the courage to do it himself, and make it fun for him while you are asking for it. Appreciation, acknowledgment and understanding will keep him in a state of being able to act.
EVIDENCE
Here are two true stories that validate my point.
Say It With Flowers…
A man shared in one of my relationship workshops and said, “I suddenly see why my wife and I divorced, after 25 years. She was a bitch for 23 of them, but I finally got it. I wasn’t having any fun.”
You see, girls, they stick in there with you for the longest time.
He said “You know what happened, you know what did it? My wife said one day how much she loved flowers and it would be nice to have flowers around the house all the time. So I figured it would be better if I got her plastic roses.”
You see this makes sense to a guy. He wants to please you. Plastic flowers are going to last longer. It’s a literal thing. He couldn’t understand why she got mad. He brought his love flowers that were going to last forever. And sadly, she screamed and yelled at him and told him he was very insensitive and threw them in the garbage pail, and that was finally the end of a marriage.
A White Christmas…
Here’s another example, funny but true. For months a woman says to her husband, “Honey, wouldn’t it be great to have snow at Christmas?” They lived in Florida. Now her idea was she was giving him a hint to take her to a ski lodge. Of course any woman reading this would know that. You know what he did? He’s so cute. He went and got a dump truck, and he had it filled with snow and he had it put on the lawn for Christmas. And he didn’t understand why she was so upset. He thought he was showing his love for her.
Can The Battle Of The Sexes Finally End?
So you could almost say that men and women are two entirely different species of human beings.
Is there hope for these two species to co-habitate and communicate? Of course. It is a deep-seated understanding of our differences that helps us to see the humor and the beauty in them. It allows us to bring out the best in each other, and to create deep and lasting and fulfilling relationships.
Good stuff!
I liked this!!! : )
This is very interesting. I may be wrong, but men definitely seem to be coming out of this looking a lot better than the women. Funnily enough I have always liked men better than women. Best regards. Liz.
It's interesting to note that often people are offended by the concept that men and women are different.
It doesn't necessarily mean we're not equal. We can be different and equal at the same time.
Like spaghetti Bolognese and lasagna.
men and women are different in many aspects of life. Couples need to understand that to get through.
I assume everyone is different the whole men are different from women was not that big of a shocker for me. This seemed to almost be promoting stereotypes and setting up roles in a relationship more than anything. These cultural imprints tell men to act a certain way and women to act a certain way. Instead of everyone just reluctantly excepting those roles why not choose to delete that programming.Shouldn't a relationship have open boundaries so people can change and be different. What happens to gay people in relationships attractor + attractor = hell? How about women please men more and men look pretty and bitchy for a change. REVOLUTION!
According to this men seem very similar to dogs and women are just some bored bitchy trainer with treats that are good enough to keep us trotting along. I do not need anyone to have faith in me, but myself. Women should remember to never leave the door open to wide so that their man doesn't run away and get hit by a car, wtf.
The article made men sound dumb, whereas women come out as smart species. Anyhow, I enjoyed it and got clarity about certain assumptions, especially the bit about how differently men and women operate the left and right brain.
This very practical summary of the way it really is in life, should be included in every high school program that allows a vital segment for personal growth and development.
Tragically, the pursuit of happiness and harmony is almost non existent in an increasing number of homes. As a family physician and pastor over many decades, I have to report that generally speaking, real happiness in marraiges is rare, and most couple accept bitchiness and bloodyminded-ness and constant misunderstandings as the norm.
Gone are the days when cars were cars and men were men or I should say, men were allowed to be men !
It is NOT OK to be bitchy to get a point across and it is equally not OK for men to be beligerant.
Thanks a lot for this very beautiful understanding...ours is a very good and loving relationship...but reading this, I feel I can make it more adorable...especially for my husband...the theory of lt and rt brain made me understand why my husband is so slow in doing things...this article gave a very good understanding to this phenomenon.
Finally a woman that understand men and women you are great every thing you say is true, for year my wife said that I was slow, but went I start her project she would change her mind many time before I was don so a lot of project end up not being the way she inspect it, and about the flower and the snow it true men don't understand the way women explain them self, men have to read between the line of a women.
Oh my God, it was just a mirror to my own relationship indeed. Sometimes I feel so miserable about what I have with him, but it has just showed me that I'm not alone with such problems. Thanks for the good hints and tips, I'll try some of them. Hope they'll work.
Everything in the univerise has both the male and female energy.From the atom on up. If you try and separate the two into two different sexes then you indeed are headed for trouble.
The conciousness mind (male) leads and directs and the subconciousness mind (female) creates. The female energy indeed does create and attract in humans through the subconciousness. But without the leadership and focus of the male energy from the conciousness mind it becomes a whirlwind of frustration that goes nowhere.
Before two people can create this synergy each person needs to develop it in him or herself first.
There's some sound advice here and some that's pure baloney.
One way to deal with this is to reconnect to one's higher self and actually grow as a person so you are not offended when someone gives you snow when you asked for snow. I mean if you were emotionally mature (and balanced in your left and right brain) this would not upset you. You'd actually think it was fun! Let's face it, people act like 5 year olds and it's time for us to grow up. Reconnecting to one's higher self is the fast-track method to do this.
The roles that men and women have been pressured into playing (and still are, judging from the questionable advice given above) are also quite old. Who says women can't provide and men can't nurture? This is just one example of the old ways that are going out with the rest of the systems that don't work in the world. If we are to mature as a society (and we will, because the crises that we're going through right now will help make the "Great Shift" happen), we need to reconnect to our true essence--our authentic or higher selves. Reconnecting is the key to all of it.
To learn more, check out my articles online.
Christine Hoeflich
[...] Harness The Law Of Attraction To Stop Yourself From Making The Biggest Mistakes In Your Love Life A... [...]
So there aren't any stupid women?Or smart men?Very interesting.
When both sexes start meditating these differences start diminishing!
I totally agree with Christine Hoeflich about the "questionable advice above" and how some men and women just need to be more mature and have fun... I can hear my grandmother's advice in some parts of this article... Good insights about left and right brain although.
Thank you Ben for illustrating what I was thinking. The article is correct though, mens' reponses are slower than womens and although I think successful wives/partners/girlfriends can harness the guldelines given above I, unfortunately, can't be that way with a man as I find it a bit false - patronising possibly. Far too honest and for a woman, I am very literal. As they often say, a leopard cannot change its spots.
This article has inspired some very interesting comments. I especially liked Lyn and Christine's. There must be some truth in social conditioning and brain gender-biases but given brain plasticity I imagine it's possible to even up or unbalance brain symmetry under different life circumstances.
Great article. After over 30 years of marriage, I thought things could be better. I couldn't understand why he seemed angry and impatient so much of the time. I decided I would start being sweet, not bitchy. I would be nice no matter what he said. I would let go of petty things and think about the big picture.
You know what? Today my marriage is GREAT! Wonderful! He constantly praises me and I really appreciate him. We share a lot of wonderful things together.
I know from experience it can be better, when I decide to be better.
Thanks for the article.
Marcia, Thanks for your article. I liked that you made the point that people often operate from their underlying fears. You have broken it down to the key Male and Female style-types, but many people do not fit exactly into those two, as some of the other readers have mentioned.
What I have found helpful at any stage of a relationship is when each person in a couple takes their own personality profile based on DISC. They answer from "When I am IN RELATIONSHIP WITH ___, I am..." and then compare their answers first before submitting for processing, they can immediately see and discuss if their partner experiences them that way or different from they way they think they are showing up! Then, once they get their profile back on line, they have a rich report, filled with things that can guide their conversations so they can immediately see - and share - what drives, motivates and inspires each of them to act!
What you are saying is so true - and addresses the main style tips of D/C (male) and I/S (female). And, as you know, there is lots, lots more to help people understand themselves and to be able to share it with their partner. In most societies, we type-cast women into the Influence and Steadiness (I and S) styles, and men into is the Dominant (D) and Compliant to rules/ analytical (C) styles.
The male tendency D /C styles are both on the left side of the quadrant - which also means they see life as "unfavorable" so they have DO something to "fix" it - i.e. lead and take authority (D), or get it right with the facts (C). Whereas the more typically feminine styles of I /S styles are on the right side of the quadrant, meaning they see life as "favorable." It is the "I" style you describe when you say they need to feel paid attention to - YES they need to know you like them and appreciate their optimism. If you did that to a "C" woman, they might think, "What is it you want to get from me?" , while the Steadiness woman or man has an amazing ability to listen and support, and they are listening from, "Let's not fix it if it ain't broke!" and they just want to plan everything out... something the "D" male so appreciates - and needs about them!
It is this difference from the male energies that attracts - I beleive - and all the four styles need to be validated that they are... right! That is the challenge - knowing what and when to do what the other person wants most and how to tell when a partner is under "Pressure". (It shows up in their behavior as an extreme.) All you need to do at that moment is to ask what you can do to support them. And let the other person WIN!
The key that you are teaching here - and I fully endorse - is to talk over these differences - let the other person know what you want and need. This is easy with a profile to guide the conversation - then you can elaborate with examples, and you and your partner can design strategies so both of you can "win" and be appreciated for what unique qualities you bring to the partnership.
Remember, if you don't tell someone what you really want and need on a daily basis, how will the other person know? "Mind-reading 101" is not taught in schools!
If you or your readers would like to be able to offer profiles from your own private account, you can email me at PeopleSmartSolutions@gmail.com and ask about PeopleSmart DISC Certification training on line. It is so easy to properly interpret the profiles so you can get the most from them. Profiles point to everyone's favorite subject... themselves - and it is a skill every person has a need for - regardless of age, sex, occupation, or seminar subject.
I think it is that self-and-other-understanding that gives one self-mastery and that naturally attracts and enhances any relationship!
Thank you for your articles. You are a brilliant teacher!
What a fantastic article! The trueisms are astounding to say the least. Thank you for the precious insight!
"plastic roses"
hehehehehehe.