Hi everyone. I’m Chris, the storyteller, and I’ve got some important stuff I want to share with you about how writing your personal story can help you create a holistic and fulfilling relationships with all the people around you. After you read this article, I’ve got a free workbook that’ll help bring you closer to your ideal partner through writing and creative visualization. Just click here to get it »
We all have traumas from our past, anger or guilt about what others did to us, about what we did to others, and about what we did to ourselves. These experiences come from those we love, as well as acquaintances and total strangers. And more often than not, we hold onto the pain and are unable to forgive, and that is one of the biggest reasons why we are unable to experience the kinds of purposeful and conscious relationships our hearts yearn for.
Being unable to forgive doesn’t feel very empowering, and it causes us to make excuses why we shouldn’t try again. We sometimes let go of our dreams and hopes. The thing is, when you understand the story behind all of these feelings and experiences, you learn an invaluable secret:
It’s not your fault.
Why People Hurt Us
In fact, it’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just one more story, and it’s the hardest thing for most people to change. When we truly understand this, we’re able to transform these old stories of pain and frustration into empowerment. The first thing to understand is why people hurt us.
I believe that people are innately well-intentioned, and that our experiences and conditioning cause us to believe otherwise. I know that I’ve hurt people in the past, and it wasn’t because I was a bad person. I was just in pain. I had been rejected and ostracized for so many years that I lashed out at people. I was protecting myself from more pain and unconsciously I believed that if I pushed enough people away, they wouldn’t be able to hurt me anymore.
The problem is, because I pushed people away I made it impossible to have the very thing I wanted: a deeply fulfilling and connected relationship. It would be easy to blame my peers for all their unkind words and actions, and most people would think I was justified in blaming them. But is it really their fault?
The Blame Lies With No One
I don’t believe it is. After all, if I was a good person who lashed out in pain, is it possible that they were merely doing the same thing to me? Perhaps they came from an abusive home, or they were also rejected? Perhaps they pushed me away to protect themselves the same way I did it to protect myself.
In this expanded view, we begin to see that for every person who hurts us, they have a story behind their own pain… a story about why they hurt us (intentionally or not). We then see their story usually involves somebody who hurt them, which is yet another story. In fact, the cycle goes on for generations, and this is why we notice that many families seem to have similar emotional or psychological patterns within them.
What About You?
Think about this in your own life.
Have you hurt other people?
Do you consider yourself a generally well-intentioned person?
I believe the answer to both questions is probably ‘Yes.’
So if even we have hurt others, maybe what others have done to us is just another story. Maybe we’re all characters living this life story, and some of us get hurt by other characters, and we in turn may hurt people as well. It doesn’t make us bad people, just people in pain (the same as the people who hurt us).
Projecting Stories Onto Other People
In my own explorations of forgiveness, what I realized is that that people didn’t necessarily want to hurt me, but rather, they just had pain inside they didn’t know what to do with. They had a story they were “taking out on me,” and it really had nothing to do with me. That helped me see that my inability to forgive had nothing to do with them, but rather, with my ideas of them. I had trouble forgiving because I expected somebody to be a certain way, and they weren’t able to live up to that expectation.
This awareness helped me realize that forgiveness was not something I gave to somebody else; itwas something I gave to myself. I had to forgive myself for every time I “let” somebody else hurt me. I had to forgive myself for letting go of my hopes and dreams while I protected myself from more pain. I had to forgive myself for hurting others, just the way I had been hurt. And I had to forgive myself for believing the stories I told myself, like that I was a victim who didn’t deserve a conscious loving relationship.
Mindset Shift: Interactions Are Just Stories
Over time, as I began to just see all these interactions as stories, I learned how to look more objectively at other peoples’ actions. Instead of seeing them subjectively as bad or mean, I became curious. I progressively changed my thoughts from “That person is so mean!” to “I wonder why that person might have done that. Is it possible that he’s having a bad day and it has nothing to do with me?”
This more objective viewpoint fostered a greater sense of compassion for myself and others, and it was that compassion and objectivity that objectivity enabled me to transform my painful into personal empowerment. I’ve found that I enjoy my relationships with others more, and even with people close to me who have hurt me.
A Writing Exercise For Forgiveness
Now continuing with this idea of objectivity, if you’re having difficulty forgiving somebody then I have a writing exercise that may help you. Just ask yourself, “If somebody like me were able to forgive the person who hurt him/her, what would that look like? How might it be possible?” Then write whatever comes to you.
This is just for you, so you don’t need to think much about it. It doesn’t need to be perfect. Just write from your heart and see what possibilities you discover. This gives you the opportunity to experience that objectivity I mentioned; to write the story as just a story and nothing more.
And this doesn’t mean you’re forgiving the other person, or even saying you’re ready to forgive. The purpose of this writing exercise is only to explore the possibility that somebody, somewhere, might be able to forgive in a similar situation.
If you’d like to, I welcome you to share your forgiveness story below (even anonymously) and I promise to read every single comment. I’ve also created a special bonus workbook for you that shows how to use the power of stories to attract your ideal relationship.
Enjoy!
Your Partner In Transformation,
Chris Cade
FinerMinds is hosted by 
If we could ALL take this tack, then all the age-old tribal squabbles the world currently suffers from would end as soon as the pain of the other were full acknowledged and accepted.
So true — world peace really is a grass-roots effort starting within. People always say that we can’t change others, but it’s only when we really understand WHY (the stories) that we can’t change them, that we truly see why starting with ourselves is the only option.
Powerful Stuff~~
Here ancient mindset…stage to progress
anti program our need for war
backward needed…to forget.
Complain…understand the rule
if spoken…we activated the circuit
typically not by circumstance
attraction is choice, not chance.
Allow an underlying need to regret
eliminating the clear?
Any fragment of ignorance…a wrong
reverse engineer…any maniacal fear
there’s something inside hidden yet near
no selection…in want for control.
Looking to what…from this point forward
total excellence only…authentic soul!
Choose what it is you require
only what love to acquire
deafening quiet turn it around
melodic harmonic primal infinite fire.
Hi Chris,
Your article have reminded me numerous umplesant circumstances, One thing for sure is that despite some have done wrong to me, I have not allowed my self to be their ermotional victim. Like for example; resentment. hate. unforgiveness..( not in that way ). No because I separate myself from them. I understand and move on.Yet, It has affected me. I have not being able to developed a sense of desire things in my life. Like believing in realistic dreams, goals, expectations. I do not have experienced such things within or without me. It does not mean that I am an empty person. This is what I mean when I said ‚I am a unique person. I have to protect this person. I rarely befriend people. I still thinking that I am a wonderful human being. Nor that I think that I do not deserve anything. Well I hope I have made my case understandably without a clear example.
Love & Peace.
Y
Dear Team,
Thank you for all the info, suggestions and tips you give to deal with relationship and life relations.
We are busy making a website: dealing with teh fundemtal basics on which a worthwhile relation can grow.
We hope to finish the free website in april 2010
Have a look on it in April 2010
thank you
John D Hellingman
Thank you Chris,
I’m in my 50’s and only just figuring out these things. It’s wonderfully freeing when we start to observe behaviour rather than react to behaviour.
We can even observe our own behaviour. It’s hard at first because we all love to attach blame to an outside party.
We don’t need to forgive others so much as to understand them… and in so doing… understand ourselves.
I find that I am truly seeing myself in others so much more these days. It’s like a revelation. Also I’m realising that through my own mistakes and foolishness I can understand the foolishness of others and look at them with compassion.
Keep the faith!
Lane
Wowww.….…you are helping me to understand the other side of the equation in order to be balanced.……!!!!
Yes, please let me know where can I fallow up with my previous comment.
Hello Chris,
I believe that you hit it on the nail. We must forgive ourselves first and shift our perceptions of the people that may have hurt us. I certainly have experienced much of what you talk about and I protected myself from getting hurt again time after time. The pain and guilt only constructs a wall or architectural structure enclosing the heart and spirit and creates an insular world. I too believe in self-forgiveness and forgiving myself for building such architectural structures to protect my heart and spirit. I too shifted my perceptions of others and they had no real intentions of hurting me because they were not aware of their actions. My so called perpetrators too have lived in an insular world and concealed themselves behind their own guilt and pain. There is no greater joy than to open the splendor of the heart and let the spirit shine again profusely.
Dear Chris,
thank you very much for this article, really open up my mind and heart…
thanks for sharing it to all of us..
Blessings!
Chris, Having been on a spiritual journey since my husband died 3years ago, I can truthfully tell you what a happy and joyful life I am currently living. I feel we can be responsible for ourselves and our actions whether physically or verbally. I have stopped shouting at my children to clean their room. And I’m not saying it was an overnight change through osmosis (more like 1 1/2 years of steadfast kindness, compassion and respect to my children), that they too have come around and treat me with the same dignity and respect. I have gone through steps to forgive people in different life situations and the negative energy lifted and I felt much “lighter”. I rarely assume, I consistently do my best in any given situation and remain impeccable with my word and these few steps have really changed, lightened and allowed more Love into my life situation(from the 4 agreements: Ruiz). Sign me…
Continuing & there’s no turning back on my spiritual path,
Teri
Hello Chris, I was married for 18 years with three loving kids. I had a lovely wife who was a teacher. One day she told me she want to pursue her masters degree,after she got through her master on the fourth year she left me for good with the three children. I am not a smoker, nor am i a alcoholic . i am a spiritual person. At that tome the kids were very young she got them brain washed and to lie in court that i am a very abusive person.
To very honest i am not that person she claimed to be.Now i fell very embarrassed for what she has done to me
and she refused to let me see the children.I want to get this hatred for her from within my self and learn how to forgive.
I can’t imagine how difficult that must be, and the pain you must be feeling. I wish you the best in your journey of healing and forgiveness, and if you haven’t already started with the writing exercise at the end of the article then that’s a great place to begin your journey.
Forgiveness is not always an easy nor short path; however, it’s always an endeavor worth undertaking.
Fantastic work Chris. Extremely powerful and uplifting. “Forgiveness was not something I gave to somebody else; it was something I gave to myself.” — sums it all up for me! If you’ve hurt someone and they don’t forgive you because of the pain you have caused them, it is absolutely VITAL to forgive yourself if you want to move forwards with your life. Everyone makes mistakes, some big and some small.…but as long as we learn from them and take responsibility for our own actions then we have the power to make better choices and take better actions in the future.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom
You’re welcome! I’m grateful to be of service, Jayne.
Hi,
Chris, I’ve got to agree with you fully. Last year had been an awesome year! I’m able to forgive, for me, for him, for the children and for All around.
And indeed I’ve received in Abundance! I’m granted Full Awareness, Compassion and most importantly, I’m Free, soaring like an Eagle. I thank God for this miracle and I’ve been touching lives and giving support to others in whatever ways I can!
Thank you for sharing and I can fully identify and recognise your points cos it’s exactly my story too!
I’m so glad to hear that you’re “paying it forward.” It’s one thing to empower ourselves, which is wonderful, and yet another thing when we are so full of that empowerment we overflow and give and support others in their unfoldment as well.
Thank you for sharing
This reminds me of a release I had this week. Often times I would catch thoughts like “I hate myself” and “I’m a bad person” popping into my head, usually triggered by embarrassing memories or remembering how I have hurt other people in the past (due to my own hurt of course). Typically I’d suppress these thoughts since I consider myself to be very positive with high self esteem. But this last time I decided to investigate how these thoughts formed and questions why they were there. Turns out that “I hated myself” because I thought “I was a bad person.” Somehow, early in my childhood, I learned that you’re supposed to hate bad people. I thought I was a bad person because I was often punished just for being a kid (annoying the adults) particularly by my father who was a very abusive, impatient man. Since I was often punished even though I didn’t actually do anything wrong I took it to mean that “I must be a bad person.” Also turns out I learned that I’m supposed to hate bad people because in all of the stories read to me as a child and the movies I watched everybody hated the “bad guy” and he always “got what he deserved.” So this created an association in my young mind. I figured me being treated badly was “getting what I deserved” because “I was a bad person” and if I were a good person then my dad would have loved me because everyone always loves the “good guys” in the stories. In conclusion I forgave myself and anyone in my childhood who influenced those beliefs about myself. I can’t begin to describe the amazing shift that has taken place in me and the emotional freedom I have found.
I am so glad you shared this, Jacy! It truly is amazing what we can discover when we allow ourselvse to observe our thoughts without judgment. Like you, I sometimes have “bad” thoughts, even though I am a generally positive person.
And like you, taking the time to just be honest about what I’m experiencing has led me to realize that a lot of my “bad” thoughts are merely my mind telling me lies about an outdated past that doesn’t apply to my present.
So while you can’t begin to describe the amazing shift and your newfound freedom, trust me when I say, I understand.
Thank you Chris for sharing your wisdom of forgiveness.
It is indeed challenging when being transperced by an arrow to consciously shift our attention to the pain of the one who just shot it. I still struggle with taking care of my wounds to have the right energy to reach understanding and compassion for the pain of the other as I see them as continuing shooting the arrows. It seems as though it has everything to do with the present and yet, as Lance projects, if we could ALL center ourselves it tracking the origin of the pain we could ALL be pain free!
Pardon me for yet another cliche, but you hit the nail on the head. It takes a lot of courage and strength to have the compassion needed for the conscious path that we are choosiong. I too am challenged when people throw their “stuff” at me, and sometimes forget about the story.
The writing I shared is as much for me as it is for everybody else.
Small steps, small reminders, all add up to profound change over time.
I had to forgive myself for every time I “let” somebody else hurt me.
Thank you for this powerful line Chris, I just put it up on my wall!
Awesome! Glad to hear it, Lily
hi Chris.
Unfortunately, I have not hurt anyone in my life. I do not ever have wanted to inflict painful experience to others because I do know how it is feel. When I was born, my cousin was 10 years old. She became my babysitter. She hit me every time she wanted until I was 16 years old. I do not hate her. I never think of her. I am just glad that I will never see her again, Thank God.
today i let somebody else to hurt me, and i was wondering what should i do; you help me with your article about forgiveness, thank you!
very nice.….different way of looking at the struggles and hopes of life.….
Wonderful Chris for sharing the beautiful artical. It took me back to what Karl taught me in form of exercise which may be usefu for all.
Sit and center.
Step 1. I forgive myself for.….….….……
Step 2. I forgive you for.….….….….….…
Step 3. Forgive me for.….….….….….….
Step 4. I acknowledge the excellent qualities .….., .…., .….. you possess.…..
Step 5.I acknowledge the excellent qualities .…., .….., .… I possess.…
I always found inner peace and surprisingly found peace on others’ faces too.
Thanks Chris once again.
Dattatreya
Dear Chris
What an enriching article. I say so because I feel richer in mind and soul after reading your article. There cannot be any other way to live, to be free eternally; becuse I feel that the more you live by forgiving yourself and being objective about others, the more liberated you become from past, old bondages. It is as if each link of the chains that have bound you for so long are falling away from you. I truly feel like I am soaring in the free sky. I too have had my share of woes, hurt, pain. But now nothing matters as I have learnt to love myself more so that I can share this love with others, no matter who they are. Thank you & God Bless.
Farize
The key to forgiveness is to forgive from the heart not from the mind
What a load of horse crap.
For years I was married to a verbally and emotionally abusive woman. I eventually left her filled with anger and hate. A few years later I realized that I had let her do those things to me. That by staying in that relationship, I was allowing the status quo to perpetuate. I tried to forgive her, never really did but the years and a fantastic wife have blunted the hurt.
“Forgiveness was not something I gave to somebody else; it was something I gave to myself.” Involves a paradigm shift in my understanding of forgiveness, but it does make sense. I am going to give it a try. – Thanks Chris
I have just read through the comments there is alot of pain out there and people have many ways of dealing with it. People reach out in many diffrent ways to handle pain Some positive some negative.
I think you have to forgive yourself to be able to forgive others. I also think after reading the comments that we have to take the responsibility and ownership for what we do. No excuses no blaming others for what we have chosen, Nancye
Hi Chris
Thank you for your important article on forgiveness, the points you make about forgiving yourself is absolutely spot on. Most of the work we do and the successes we have in helping people, the core of the issue both mentally and physically is usually the unwillingness to forgive someone or something. We help them to see the true bigger picture as to why things happen to them.
Can I just say to anyone reading this is : Holding onto anything negative from the past like, Anger, Bitterness, Resentment etc is like holding onto a “RED HOT!” coal waiting to throw it at someone. BUT the only person it is hurting is YOU!
AND some really intelligent people are still holding onto those “RED HOT” coals even after that person/perpetrator has left this earth plane. How wise and how damaging to yourself is that?
Take a quick look at this YouTube video its only 1 min 52 secs. Watch someone release negative emotions in only 45 seconds.
[youtube FSzC3wH3_B4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSzC3wH3_B4 youtube]Keep up the great work Chris. We are two avid readers of your wisdom.
Namaste
Jerry & Nina
I am having trouble registering for the newsletter. I keep inputting the info and nothing seems to happen. It just recycles to the registration page. Pleas advise. Thanks
I have recently been presented with a situation that requires me to find a way to forgive. I have been dating a woman for nearly two years, and found out that she cheated on me with her ex and is now pregnant. Sigh..we are trudging through everything that we need to face together in order for our relationship to work. I am struggling with how I can feel comfortable with her ex being a part of her life since they already have three other children together. It all sounds so crazy as I type these wrods, and makes me wonder how I have gotten myself into this situation. However, I truly do love this woman. I can forgive her, but for some reason it’s harder for me to forgive him, I suppose.
I am trying to forgive myself first so I can move into a new mind set. I felt pain and rejection, so I became vindictive and the results were catastrophic. My ex broke his neck in a fall and my love died unexpectedly. I feel betrayed by both my ex and my love, and alone. I am trying to move to a different place after 10 years of being alone. I still feel guilt and anger, pointing the finger of blame.….Now is the time to forgive, first myselt, so I can become loving and loveable.. I think and feel I have been forgiving to the people who have hurt me, but his is an ongoing task.….because I still want to blame and point fingers and figure out why.….…..Help.….