Sex. We think about it a lot, but we rarely talk about it. Most of us are pretty darn shy when it comes to discussing what happens between the sheets (or wherever else we might be having sex). It’s really too bad, because it’s the most natural thing in the world. Yes, sometimes the primary purpose is procreation, but the act itself is also important – as a source of pleasure and to deepen the connection we share with our partner.
Sex is also good for us. Good sex promotes health and well-being, boosting chemicals in the body that protect against disease. Research also shows that sex can help ease joint and muscle pain, combat depression, promote heart health, and lengthen the life span. (Be sure you’re having safe sex, though!)
Regrettably, we often feel we don’t have the time or energy for sex, let alone good sex. In fact, at least one third of American couples experience a lack of sexual desire. Not surprising given the stress we confront daily and the pace at which we move through our day. We’ve got so many commitments – work, family, community activities, sports, etc. – that sex is an afterthought. And when we do have sex, it can become rather mechanical. Our bodies are going through the motions, but our minds are somewhere else and our hearts aren’t open.
Obviously people have unique needs when it comes to sex – more passion, more variety, and perhaps just more sex, plain and simple. One of the key needs that surfaces, though, is the need for intimacy – to feel connected physically and mentally (and even spiritually) to one’s partner. But achieving a deeper level of intimacy is often blocked by our being uncomfortable with sex, not trusting ourselves and/or our partner, and not letting go.
To increase the quality of one’s sex life Kali Munro, individual and couples therapist, recommends:
- Asking For What You Need. If you don’t let your partner know what you want, he or she is going to have no idea what gives you pleasure. You leave them guessing. Your partner might be thinking they’re giving you the greatest pleasure in the world, meanwhile this technique could be making you uncomfortable or even causing you pain. This is a frustrating situation. You’ve got to speak up. Next time you’re having sex, try asking for what you want. Or give gentle feedback about what they’re doing and guide them towards what you would enjoy. When giving feedback the key is to be positive and communicate from a place of kindness. Launching into a major critique while you’re in the middle of being intimate is a surefire way to kill the mood and create resentment and bad feelings. If you need to stop and talk about how you’re feeling, do so. Also be sure to ask what they would enjoy as well!
- Talking About Sex. Being able to talk about sex, both inside and outside the bedroom, is important to any relationship. If you’re shy about discussing sex, especially while you’re having sex, tell your partner another time. You can even make a date to talk about sex. Bring ideas, fantasies and books about sex to the date. This ‘meeting’ doesn’t have to be serious. It can be fun and sexy. Over a wonderful dinner and a bottle of wine, you and your partner can open your hearts and minds to the topic.
- Starting and Stopping Sex. For the individual who feels uncomfortable on the receiving end of sexual pleasure, try starting with just a little and stop. Talk about it. Discuss what feels OK and good. Then try a little more. Remember to breathe. Take a break again. Keep going this way with your partner. Receive a little each time and then increase the amount of time each time. By going slowly, stopping and starting again, you can increase your comfort level with the focus being on you. Both of you need to be patient, as this may take some time, but the level of trust and comfort that is built is well worth it in the long run.
- Letting Go. The act of letting go is critical during sex, especially for women wanting to achieve orgasm. Most people are so controlled and tense in their day-to-day lives. This type of energy works against reaching the highest heights of pleasure during sex. If you’re not relaxed and open, it’s difficult to have an orgasm, especially for women. To practice letting go, you might want to start by finding opportunities to let go outside of sex. Start small. Dancing is a great way to let go. It gets you into your body and out of your head. During sex, if you notice yourself tighten up, stop right there. Be aware of that feeling for a moment, breathe, relax, and then continue if you want to. Don’t try to push on while you’re tense. You also need to let go of the goal of having an orgasm. Orgasm-oriented sex can be stressful and limiting. Aim for pleasure-oriented sex and the rest will follow.
To learn more about how to improve the quality of your sex life, check out the following websites:
Understandably, sex is a topic many find difficult to talk about, but please be brave and let us know if you have any valuable approaches that have helped you achieve greater intimacy. It’s high time we converse frankly about sex!
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I think it would be good to get into more detail about asking for what we need in sex in the public forum. People could be unsure of the parameters of OK requests on the first night for example. You wouldn’t want to put your partner off by being too demanding. Maybe that’s why people tend not to ask for specifics. But, I guess, the sexual arena is probably a reflection of the relationship in other areas — so it may be as well to make sure you are communicating easily and well out of the bedroom before you try communicating in bed.
I APPRECIATE THE INFORMATION AND THE APPROACH USED
IN THIS POST. THANK YOU. I THINK OPEN AND HONEST
DISCUSSIONS ABOUT SEX ARE DIFFICULT BECAUSE OUR
CULTURE GIVES US THE IMPRESSION IT’S NOT FOR GENERAL
CONVERSATION. MY PARENTS, MY WHOLE FAMILY, DID NOT
DISCUSS SEX. SO I ASSUMED I SHOULD NOT DISCUSS SEX.
A FEW YEARS AGO I JOINED A THERAPY CLASS AND ONE OF
THE DISSCUSSION TOPICS WAS SEX. AS AN “ICE BREAKER“
WE WERE GIVEN A LIST OF QUESTIONS ABOUT SEXUAL
OPINIONS, ATTITUDES, AND EXPERIENCES. WE WERE TO
INTERVIEW 3 PEOPLE OF OPPISITE SEX AND ASK THEM ALL
THE QUESTIONS. BEFORE ASKING ANY QUESTIONS, WE
EXPLAINED THE SITUATION, TELLING THE LADIES THAT
THERE WERE NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS AND THEY WOULD NOT BE GRADED OR JUDGED. WE ALSO TOLD THEM THEY
COULD STOP THE PROCESS AT ANY POINT AND COULD CHOOSE
NOT TO ANSWER ANY QUESTION WHICH MADE THEM UNEASY
OR UNCOMFORTABLE. I FOUND THE EXERCISE SO INTERESTING I INTERVIEWED 5 LADIES. I WAS SURPRISED
AT THEIR OPENESS AND WILLINGNESS TO ANSWER AND DISCUSS ALL THE QUESTIONS AND GIVE DETAILS OF THEIR
EXPERIENCES.
After 8 years of no sexual intimacy I have met someone who has rekindled that part of me. We have not had sex yet, but have been discussing our preferences and I can see where starting and stopping will be useful for my re-introduction to this form of connecting with this man on a deeper level. I especially liked the section about letting go. I can see where I have put too much emphasis on attaining orgasm that I took the pleasure out of the sexual act, and find this advice to be very helpful.
Hello,
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Proper credit and links would be shown.
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http://thetalker.org/
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I totally agree with the fact that more discussion about sex would alleviate problems in marriage. Coming from a strict background in religion, I can tell you that the mention of sex would turn away the religious zealots. Never in my 32 years in religion did I hear the admonition to have more sex with your spouse. My hat is off to the pastor from Texas. I am also in Texas and probably should start looking for his church. The whole topic of sex is taboo to the majority of people that were once my associates.
Excellent article! I agree that communication is absolutely essential in a relationship as well as in the bedroom. If it feels good, let them know. If it doesn’t, let them know, just nicely.
We have such high expectations of sexual relationships. We think that the other person should be able to give us the ultimate just because they love us/we love them/etc. When we feel comfortable and at ease with someone men can have erections where they used to have impotence and woman can have orgasms where they previously had none. During sex you can gently guide your partners hand where you want it to go rather than stopping and talking about what you like. Or simple words: harder, softer, faster, etc., are also much more useful than a whole conversation. During sex some encouragement goes a long way: tell them how wonderful it is. After sex you can reinforce this by saying: “I loved it when you were… etc.,.” During day-to-day life it’s also useful to be playful and flirt with your partner, letting them know you find them attractive and sexy every day and in every situation. General respect, love and appreciation for your partner also go a long way to helping you have meaningful and enjoyable sex. Remember, each time you have sex it will be different… some days it won’t be quite as enjoyable or it will be more rushed, etc, depending on each partner. Just go with the flow and don’t expect each time to be mindblowing but rather enjoy sometimes nurturing and at other times being nurtured.
This is all well and good, but how to get your significant other to even begin to contemplate this aspect of the relationship is where I am stalled.
A very informative and wonderful article. Thank you!